It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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