somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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