seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My liver just had a heart attack.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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