So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
