You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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