Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have already put on my inside pants.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
