Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
