I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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