Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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