I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
