I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
