Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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