Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
