JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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