Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
