dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
