god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Found your dick twin last night
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
