question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
ugly people sure do ruin things
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
