My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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