she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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