shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
