I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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