she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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