Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize