i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize