I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
