He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
