explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
