420 ftw
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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