i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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