I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize