woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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