Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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