i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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