i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
