My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize