Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
