mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So many bounce houses so little time
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
