um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
