Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
In other news, I just burned my penis
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
