the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
