i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
