I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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