We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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