Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
