i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
