we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
