...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
