Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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