Plan B is the new Plan A
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I will be naked everywhere
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
